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Best of Burger
Best of Burger
Best of Burger

Best of Burger 1949 - 1998.. Things We Miss About Burger. Reprinted from various editions.


Best of Burger 1949 - 1998.. Things We Miss About Burger. Reprinted from various editions.


Best of Burger 1949 - 1998.. Things We Miss About Burger. Reprinted from various editions.

Flabby in Heaven
Flabby in Heaven
Flabby in Heaven

Tuesday, April 11, 2017 - Dear Flabby in Heaven

Dear Flabby in Heaven,
My wife hates me.
She doesn’t understand me like my ex-wife does. I tried to explain to her that if she could only understand me like my dear sweet ex-wife does then we could be cool. She didn’t like this too much, she turned into a crazy screaming banshee instead. Please help!
Signed,
Married to a Psycho


Dear Married to a Psycho,
Really?.... Dude, you need a good whap upside the head!
Signed,
Flabby in Heaven


Dear Flabby in Heaven,
It’s me again, this time you’ve done it!
The next time you do anything good I’m going to bring you down from that cloud big time! I’m sending more hate mail to your bestie, your momma, your daddy, your children, your doggie, your cat and the grasshopper behind your deep freeze. I’m sending a notice of “you’re a fraud” to everyone you know and don’t know and then to your boss up-stairs as well as mine downstairs. I’m going to make them all aware that everything going wrong in this life is your doing and everything that goes good in yours is my doing. You are sitting on my cloud!! You were nothing before you met me! You better include my name in the credits or I’ll burn you!!
Signed,
Diva Of Envy


Dear Diva Of Envy,
This reminds me of a story about an angel who was once a beautiful brilliant being and was the most awesome of all angels. He became so full of himself, overcome with pride, ill-intent and self-righteousness that he fell from grace and has spent thousands of years burning in the fires of turmoil and jealousy believing that his rightful place was in the king’s throne in heaven. It’s a sad story. It’s pure hell for that guy.
Maybe someday he’ll get over it.
Signed,
Flabby In Heaven


Dear Flabby In Heaven,
This new President is a menace to society! He’s funny looking, crabby, grabs women’s private parts, wears his hair parted on the wrong side, bounces around a lot, gets offended over everything and never stops talking! I’m embarrassed to be an American. I’m afraid he’s going to destroy our great country. Since Obama didn’t’ turn out to be the antichrist, I’m thinking he must be. I’m investing in a fall-out shelter and a two years supply of canned food for my family, I’ve stocked up on ammo and guns and I’ve stored up water. We are fighting for our lives down here! Can you see an end in sight from your cloud?
Signed,
Fraid and Hidden


Dear Fraid and Hidden,
Yes, I see an end in sight and for you it’s right around the corner! Although it has nothing to do with Armageddon. I’ve checked my sources and you can rest assured that what you are seeing in your new Pres is not the antichrist. Sources say that the antichrist is going to be very handsome, will have no interest in women, loved by all the world and that even the wise will be blinded by his charm and smooth talking. From what I hear, this guy couldn’t talk his way out of Hershey kiss, can’t keep his hands off the pooch, must dodge bullets at a rainbow gathering and can’t even buy a good haircut. It’s still good to spend your time on earth helping others so I recommend you do a lot of that to get over your fears. And instead of hiding, why not eat, drink and be merry because from what I’m seeing from here you don’t have much longer, so enjoy the time you do have.
See you on the other side,
Flabby in Heaven



Dear Flabby in Heaven,
My ex-husband is married to a woman much younger than me. I thought for sure that since I left him for  a woman, he’d still stick around and be my “good Toby”. You know, no men to compete with and all.  I’ve tried everything to keep him as my slave and sugar daddy. I bribe him with his favorite drugs, I make him feel guilty, I tried making the new wife my bff etc.. but now she’s on to me and somehow she’s gotten to him. He won’t fix my pipes or clean my gutters anymore.
What do I do?
Signed,
Lonely Lesbian


Dear Lonely Lesbian,
There’s a new thing called “Women’s liberation”! You can do it! You can clean your own gutters now.  Just search Youtube “How to clean gutter’s”. You got this! ..
Signed,
Flabby In Heaven


Dear Flabby In Heaven,
HELP!
There’s freaks walking the earth. Today I saw a fat man who could barely fit through the door, yesterday I saw two girls kissing, today a man with boobs, last week a woman with hardware and this week a family with their faces covered.
It’s hell down here!
Signed,
What is wrong with this world?


Dear WWW,
Look in the mirror at yourself for a change. When you fix what is wrong there then come talk to me about judging others.
Signed,
Flabby In Heaven

Thursday, March 02, 2017 - Dear Flabby in Heaven

Dear Flabby in Heaven,
Please help. No matter what I do I can’t seem to get me a man. I sit around all day and think about it and no reasons come to mind. I think about it all the time, even while I’m eating chocolate twinkies, rocking in my recliner, oiling my nail fungus, scratching my scabby head, picking my nose and putting in my false teeth. Yesterday after I finished off the leftover cheesburgers for breakfast, I was scraping the mold off the dishes in the kitchen sink and I decided it was time I start me a Facebook account. Maybe I could meet a man there. What do you think?
Signed,
Sad and Lonely
 
Dear Sad and Lonely,
Put down the twinkies and take a walk.
Soak your feet in tea tree oil twice daily for a month, wash your head, get your fingers out of your nose, keep your teeth in and for God sake, “Do you even know what is in fast food these days?” Clean your house and get a life!!! I would suggest being sociable, finding a hobby and if you can start to love yourself then you might find someone to love you back.
Or you can start a Facebook page and use fake pictures and make yourself sound real sweet like. I hear online web dating is hot these days and you can pretend to be anyone you want.
Just remember God is watching from Heaven and Flabby is too.
Signed,
Flabby in the Sky
 
Dear Flabby in Heaven,
Please help!
My momma doesn’t love me, my daddy beat me as a child, my wife left me, my kids think I’m a total loser. I lost my shoes yesterday and had to walk barefoot through the gumball forest to get water from the creek because my water pipes have rusted out. Now I can’t walk, due to the gumball beating and I have lost my job. I’ve not had any work in weeks and I’m down to my last can of creamed corn. The hunger pains keep me up all night and the worry keeps me up all day. My neighbor cut me off from the whiskey still and I have a migraine from withdraws. The church says I’m a sinner and won’t let me back in, the bar put me on the bouncer list cause I can’t pay my tab.
Signed,
Broke and Sober
 
Dear Broke and Sober,
Learn to play the guitar and write a blues song.
Stay far from the crossroads. God is watching and Flabby is too…
Signed,
Watchful Flabby
 
Dear Flabby,
This morning when I woke up, I was a dog and was sleeping at the foot of a stinky man's bed. No matter what I do I can’t get my mind off kibble, butt sniffing and critters that run to and fro. I spent the day chasing my tail, napping and licking the stinky man’s feet. In return he gave me raw chicken innards. To my surprise they weren’t too bad. I am distracted by every sound and jump at every squeak. I dig a hole to poop in and find a tree to piss on. It’s like a never-ending acid trip. I can sniff out squirrel pee, earth worms and ant poop from a block away. The stinky man calls me Mutt. When I dream I am a man again. I am writing you from my dreams.
Signed,
Navajo Skinwalker
 
Dear Navajo Skinwalker,
What are you complaining about? You have a master to pay the bills, feed you, provide a home, give you a place to roam and sleep all for free. You don’t have to wear clothes. Shut your yap and Enjoy the ride!!
Stay away from fast moving vehicles and don’t bite the man delivering this letter.
God is watching and Flabby is too…
Signed,
Heavenly Flabby
P.S: Be careful chasing humans in cars…
P.P.S.: God is watching and Flabby is too…
 
Dear Flabby in Heaven,
I’m tired of working. I want to stay home all day, smoke pot and watch ball games and porn. I’ve tried manipulating hard-working women into letting me live with them but they always want love, affection, attention, loyalty,  commitment and all sorts of other stuff. I’ve tried living with other people and eating their food but now I’ve worn out my welcome on every couch in 5 counties. I’ve tried getting benefits from the women who are mothering my children but the IRS has called my bluff every time and shut me down. I’ve tried selling drugs but it’s only seasonal. I’ve tried scamming money out of the military by claiming to be unstable, and this worked!! Only problem is now I have money and the military says I must give some to my kids. Now I must get a house and pretend to be stable so that I can pursue custody of the kids. If I don’t then I must give the mothers money. I don’t understand why the mothers won’t agree to custody, it’s not like I would bring the children to live with me, it would just be paper work. I must make the mothers out to look like dirt-bags so the court will pass my plea or convince the mothers to sign. How do I talk sense to hard headed women?
Signed,
Dazed and Confused
 
Dear Dumbass,
Go to hell.
Signed,
Flabby in the other place

 
Deer Flabby in heaven!
I can not take it anymore. I have had enough of your halo and words of wisdom . The thought of your great talent and voice of an angel makes my blood boil. You get to sit there on a white fluffy cloud while I have to live with myself here in this dark misery of demons hellfire day in and day out. Why can't I be adored like you? I've decided it's time for people to look at you differently. I have learned your insecurities and will prey on them. I have started spreading rumors about your character and drug dealing habits. I will destroy you and take you down with my arrows of lies and manipulation.
Everything good in your life will falter because of my words of disgust for you. Be scared for I know your real name and the fools that follow me will too!
Signed,
Diva of Envy
 
Dear Diva of Envy
This reminds me of a story about a man named Jo who had a coat of many colors. His 10 brothers were so jealous of him that they threw him into a well they then sold him into slavery after feeding his beautiful coat to the wolves. He later became ruler of all the land and the brothers knelt before him fearfully.
Good luck with that!
Signed,
Green with Envy
Flabby in Heaven
P.S.: God is watching and Flabby is too…

Saturday, February 11, 2017 - Dear Flabby too

Dear Flabby,
I am a 16-year-old white boy and I want to play the blues. I got a guitar for my birthday and I can play pretty good. When I shut my eyes and let go, it feels like nothing I've ever known. I talked to my friend Wilson Johnson, who is a Negro, and he asked his cousin James and James said that no white person can really play the blues, because they can't know real pain. This hurts me so bad when I think about it that all I can do is get my guitar and play. What do you think?
signed,
Caucasian with the blues

Dear Blue,
What do you think?

Dear Flabby,
My  mind is a blank. I am in shock and my attention span has unspun. The windows of my mind are fogged up and time seems to be standing still. Nobody loves me but my mama and she could be lyin' too. My get up and go has got up and went and the bird of paradise just flew up my nose. My chewin' gum lost its flavor on the bedpost overnight and, despite my best efforts, I have been unable to prevent missing my water until my well has run dry. What do you suggest?
signed,
A victim of Old Sayings and
Over-used Phrases

Dear Old Victim,
Avoid the counting of any and all poultry until such time as the aforementioned fowl has hatched. Should the temperature in the kitchen become so hot as to be intolerable, leave said cooking area immediately. Allow all canines in slumber to remain in a supine position without interference on your part and forever dismiss the possiblity that any leopards will ever alter their appearance with regard to spots.
signed,
Flabby

Dear Flabby,
I am hungry and have no place to sleep. I went to the welcome home parade this week and wondered how much it cost. I also read that the Fourth of July fireworks display cost $80,000. The parade was impressive and the fireworks were pretty, but I'm still hungry and still have no place to live...how come?
signed,
Hungry, Homeless
Puzzled, and Pissed

Dear H. H. P. & P.
Don't ask me to make sense of a situation like this.
signed,
Flabby
P. S. Welcome home, heroes, if you have a home to be welcomed into.

Sunday, February 12, 2017 - Ten Helpful Hints

To Speed Your Rise To The Top In Showbiz

1.  Do not submit demo's on 78 rpm acetates, 8-track cartridges, Edison spools, or carbon-impregnated papyrus.

2.  Do not submit promotional photos to record com­panies if the parents of the band members wear T-shirts stating: "My Child Is Most Uncomely To Be­hold."

3.  Do not send demo tapes which actually are poorly produced copies of original recordings of al­ready-signed artists ... believe it or not, even record executive weasels won't be fooled a second time.

4.  Reggae versions of Peter Paul & Mary songs most often end up in the trash.

5.  Never use previously-employed band name com­binations, e. g. The Mothers of Megadeath, Guns & Police Cars, The Jefferson Star Fuggs, Country Joe & The Hot Tuna Fish, The RollingStonePonies, etc.

6.  When phoning record companies for audition ap­pointments, don't waste your time by speaking in a thick Jamaican accent saying "Ay mon, do y'all be interested in waltz bands?"

7.  Don't follow the latest trends in dress, effects, etc. E. g. don't let your hair grow out ; let it grow in. Actually set your hair on fire. Don't wear leather; wear a gutted ostrich carcass, and so forth.

8.  Never align yourself with political causes just to promote your career. Remember, there could come a time when potential record buyers might change opinions, like: Nuke The Whales! Ozone Huffers Nasty Water Preservation Society, or Screw The Owls; Cut Down The Trees, or even the Coalition For War In The Middle East & Higher Gasoline Prices.

9.  Wayne Newton impersonators are rarely given any consideration at all.

10. It ain't cool to have your parents chaperone af­ter-showcase orgies.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017 - MORTON DOWNY BURGER

Well, well...so now it's come to this...first we get kids that are so damned spoiled they've got to have some brand new racy red sports car to drive to school in, then them sychiatric doctors say that this little luxury is vital to the development of the youngsters' self esteem and that their peer group acceptance might suffer if they can't fit in.

I say let the snot-nosed little brats get jobs sweepin' the rat pellets out of the fig warehouse or cleanin' the crud off the shower walls at the state hospital and buy their own damned cars if they want self-esteem and unbeshatted peer group acceptability. If they ain't willin' to work, I say let the little pansy-asses walk to school like I did when I was a kid. Hell, back then they didn't even have red sports cars, much less peer groups (whatever that is) and self esteem.

Here's another thing that makes me wanna puke: I saw a lady with one of those puffy-fluffy poodle dogs the other day and the little bitch (I refer to the dog) was trimmed up like Aunt Sadie on Arbor Day and she was so doused in toilet water perfume it smelled like all the girls at Trudy's Pleasure Palace had come downstairs at once.

What the hell kind of world is this where people treat their pets like they treat their spoiled rotten little self-entitled brats? Why, the next thing you know some damned fool in the guvment somewhere is gonna be tryin' to pull the same crap with the wild game in the forests.

In fact, I saw in the paper just the other day where there was a new legislation against hunters and fishermen. Some asinine, pot-bellied, brain-dead, old yankee liberal was proposin' that sportsmen all over the country buy duck stamps, deer stamps, and trout stamps. Is it just me or is this about the stupidest idea you ever heard in your life? This beats the time Mamaw told Grandpaw to get up from supper and fetch his own damn pipe and slippers.

Here's the way I see it...the ducks and deer and trout have been goin' back and forth to and from wherever they been and wherever they needed to go and never felt they needed help since they flew, ran, or swam offa Noah's ark and, by God, if it was a good enough way to get around from that time 'til now, I don't see why some citified, lop-eared, leechin' guvamint know-it-all know-nothin' from up north has any business changin' things.

By God, if the creatures of the wild have got so damned flat-butted lazy that they have to be air-mailed back and forth instead of migratin' like they used to, I say let the taxpayers'-blood-suckin' sumbitch that thought of it pay for it out of his own graft-swollen pocket...and he can keep his greedy lucre-hooks outta mine. In short, I ain't payin' out no money for no duck stamps, deer stamps, or trout stamps...and anyway, the postal service is so slow now that the mail is yellow by the time it's delivered and every few weeks some fool postal employee cracks up and blows away a whole office staff somewhere - what are they gonna do with a buncha wild animals? Enough is enough!

Gypsy Woman
Gypsy Woman or take off running, then settle back and enjoy the finer things in life. And quit griping about how hard you work - hell, look how busy your old lady's gonna be. And with all those free benefits she's providing, you'll have time to knock off work early and find some distractions of your own. But be careful; your wife might decide she needs a new hairdo or some new dresses or....
signed,
Cyrano de Burgerac

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