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HORRORSCOPES
ARIES
(March 21-April 19) 
Forever young at heart, blithe of spirit and unafraid to ask any question, the intellectually bent Aries begs for conversation, give-and-take, exchange of ideas...for example: "You dress up like Maid Marian; I'll dress up like Robin Hood. You act coy and I beg: 'Let me just put one arrow in your quiver…'"

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
For you this month could be strange! Example: fairly normal Taurus, unliked by friends, suddenly has good fortune, joins amateur hockey league, gets new transportation, falls in the mud, acquires a new pet, received Mark Twain book from an acquaintance, has plastic surgery, becomes a union fruit picker, receives an award at work for being the most obvious ass kisser in the office, and gets a raise.
Schmuck lucks, pucks, buys truck, lands in muck, gets domesticated duck, reads about Huck, gets a tuck, plucks, and finally sucks...the result is big bucks. Yuk!

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
This is a time for slowing down, cutting back, and looking ahead. The Twin only finds the cure for cancer, AIDS, and cystic fibrosis this month, while toying with inexpensive household products. The cures cost pennies and Gemini donates all the profits to a "Save The Cancer" society...slow action for the Gemini, but not bad by most standards, not bad at all…

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Actually the Cancer is not as goofy as appearances might indicate. Note: fairly new, operating transportation, spouse w/job, well-dressed, well-fed...well off by most standards. What me worry? The Cancer…

LEO
(July 23-August 22)
Quit yer gripin' will ya! Of course I always say creepy stuff about Leos, look who I'm dealin' with...you're so damned self-absorbed that you never even notice the fact that every sign gets trashed just like you...everybody...not just you...got it? Quit whinin', okay?

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Gypsy Woman regrets to tell Virgo that the news for you ain't fit to print...best of luck…

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Lemme make it short and sweet; the eleven other signs voted and, sorry, but your sign is cancelled…

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Scorpios will discover marked improvement in social skills, earning them much-longed-for membership in the Country Club...unfortunately the Country is Iraq…

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Starting right...NOW...all Sags have kooties...you're it...verrrbotten, taboo, jock itch...henceforth shall you be known as...Doo-Doo-Head!

CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
Mange-ridden, pigeon-toed, impotent, web-footed, cat-beshatted, wart-infested, and incapable of caring for yourself, you will throw yourself from a craggy precipice which proves too low to be fatal...a hopeless cripple, you roam the streets of your home town until at long last you are picked up by Animal Control. Unsuccessful attempts at putting you to sleep at the Humane Society Shelter leave you simple-minded and ugly to behold. Fate intervenes at the eleventh hour and well-meaning, psychopathic, yet well-paid advertising consultants mold you into a viable candidate for a coveted electoral office...just goes to shoe...scum floats to the top...

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Your dreams seem about to come true. You've finally caused your spouse to die of causes too numerous to mention. The grandchild whom you were awarded legal guardianship of, after successfully fooling the court by lies, false evidence, and cheap courtroom theatrics, ends up in the state pen...your manipulative and controlling behavior at last brings your karma home to you...your nose falls off for no known medical reason...you are left alone and helpless with only two gaping, dark and hairless nostrils through which the world can readily view your evil mind and its purpose. Alas, you just wanted to have your way…

PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
In the unwavering belief that the pen is mightier than the sword, you, like an idiot, accept a challenge to duel it out with a professional fencing instructor from L. A. Armed only with a Bic ball-point, you meet the master of épee on the killing ground with a blind dwarf as your second. Your tombstone reads:
"Here lies Pisces
Dumb as a clod
All his blood leaked out
Through the punctures in his butt"
(it don't rhyme, but neither does a duck)…


AQUARIUS

ARIES

CANCER

CAPRICORN

GEMINI

LEO

LIBRA

PISCES

SAGITTARIUS

SCORPIO

TAURUS

VIRGO
ARIES
(March 21-April 19) 
Forever young at heart, blithe of spirit and unafraid to ask any question, the intellectually bent Aries begs for conversation, give-and-take, exchange of ideas...for example: "You dress up like Maid Marian; I'll dress up like Robin Hood. You act coy and I beg: 'Let me just put one arrow in your quiver…'"

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
For you this month could be strange! Example: fairly normal Taurus, unliked by friends, suddenly has good fortune, joins amateur hockey league, gets new transportation, falls in the mud, acquires a new pet, received Mark Twain book from an acquaintance, has plastic surgery, becomes a union fruit picker, receives an award at work for being the most obvious ass kisser in the office, and gets a raise.
Schmuck lucks, pucks, buys truck, lands in muck, gets domesticated duck, reads about Huck, gets a tuck, plucks, and finally sucks...the result is big bucks. Yuk!

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
This is a time for slowing down, cutting back, and looking ahead. The Twin only finds the cure for cancer, AIDS, and cystic fibrosis this month, while toying with inexpensive household products. The cures cost pennies and Gemini donates all the profits to a "Save The Cancer" society...slow action for the Gemini, but not bad by most standards, not bad at all…

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Actually the Cancer is not as goofy as appearances might indicate. Note: fairly new, operating transportation, spouse w/job, well-dressed, well-fed...well off by most standards. What me worry? The Cancer…

LEO
(July 23-August 22)
Quit yer gripin' will ya! Of course I always say creepy stuff about Leos, look who I'm dealin' with...you're so damned self-absorbed that you never even notice the fact that every sign gets trashed just like you...everybody...not just you...got it? Quit whinin', okay?

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Gypsy Woman regrets to tell Virgo that the news for you ain't fit to print...best of luck…

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Lemme make it short and sweet; the eleven other signs voted and, sorry, but your sign is cancelled…

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Scorpios will discover marked improvement in social skills, earning them much-longed-for membership in the Country Club...unfortunately the Country is Iraq…

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Starting right...NOW...all Sags have kooties...you're it...verrrbotten, taboo, jock itch...henceforth shall you be known as...Doo-Doo-Head!

CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
Mange-ridden, pigeon-toed, impotent, web-footed, cat-beshatted, wart-infested, and incapable of caring for yourself, you will throw yourself from a craggy precipice which proves too low to be fatal...a hopeless cripple, you roam the streets of your home town until at long last you are picked up by Animal Control. Unsuccessful attempts at putting you to sleep at the Humane Society Shelter leave you simple-minded and ugly to behold. Fate intervenes at the eleventh hour and well-meaning, psychopathic, yet well-paid advertising consultants mold you into a viable candidate for a coveted electoral office...just goes to shoe...scum floats to the top...

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Your dreams seem about to come true. You've finally caused your spouse to die of causes too numerous to mention. The grandchild whom you were awarded legal guardianship of, after successfully fooling the court by lies, false evidence, and cheap courtroom theatrics, ends up in the state pen...your manipulative and controlling behavior at last brings your karma home to you...your nose falls off for no known medical reason...you are left alone and helpless with only two gaping, dark and hairless nostrils through which the world can readily view your evil mind and its purpose. Alas, you just wanted to have your way…

PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
In the unwavering belief that the pen is mightier than the sword, you, like an idiot, accept a challenge to duel it out with a professional fencing instructor from L. A. Armed only with a Bic ball-point, you meet the master of épee on the killing ground with a blind dwarf as your second. Your tombstone reads:
"Here lies Pisces
Dumb as a clod
All his blood leaked out
Through the punctures in his butt"
(it don't rhyme, but neither does a duck)…

ARIES
(March 21-April 19) 
Forever young at heart, blithe of spirit and unafraid to ask any question, the intellectually bent Aries begs for conversation, give-and-take, exchange of ideas...for example: "You dress up like Maid Marian; I'll dress up like Robin Hood. You act coy and I beg: 'Let me just put one arrow in your quiver…'"

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
For you this month could be strange! Example: fairly normal Taurus, unliked by friends, suddenly has good fortune, joins amateur hockey league, gets new transportation, falls in the mud, acquires a new pet, received Mark Twain book from an acquaintance, has plastic surgery, becomes a union fruit picker, receives an award at work for being the most obvious ass kisser in the office, and gets a raise.
Schmuck lucks, pucks, buys truck, lands in muck, gets domesticated duck, reads about Huck, gets a tuck, plucks, and finally sucks...the result is big bucks. Yuk!

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
This is a time for slowing down, cutting back, and looking ahead. The Twin only finds the cure for cancer, AIDS, and cystic fibrosis this month, while toying with inexpensive household products. The cures cost pennies and Gemini donates all the profits to a "Save The Cancer" society...slow action for the Gemini, but not bad by most standards, not bad at all…

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Actually the Cancer is not as goofy as appearances might indicate. Note: fairly new, operating transportation, spouse w/job, well-dressed, well-fed...well off by most standards. What me worry? The Cancer…

LEO
(July 23-August 22)
Quit yer gripin' will ya! Of course I always say creepy stuff about Leos, look who I'm dealin' with...you're so damned self-absorbed that you never even notice the fact that every sign gets trashed just like you...everybody...not just you...got it? Quit whinin', okay?

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Gypsy Woman regrets to tell Virgo that the news for you ain't fit to print...best of luck…

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Lemme make it short and sweet; the eleven other signs voted and, sorry, but your sign is cancelled…

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Scorpios will discover marked improvement in social skills, earning them much-longed-for membership in the Country Club...unfortunately the Country is Iraq…

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Starting right...NOW...all Sags have kooties...you're it...verrrbotten, taboo, jock itch...henceforth shall you be known as...Doo-Doo-Head!

CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
Mange-ridden, pigeon-toed, impotent, web-footed, cat-beshatted, wart-infested, and incapable of caring for yourself, you will throw yourself from a craggy precipice which proves too low to be fatal...a hopeless cripple, you roam the streets of your home town until at long last you are picked up by Animal Control. Unsuccessful attempts at putting you to sleep at the Humane Society Shelter leave you simple-minded and ugly to behold. Fate intervenes at the eleventh hour and well-meaning, psychopathic, yet well-paid advertising consultants mold you into a viable candidate for a coveted electoral office...just goes to shoe...scum floats to the top...

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Your dreams seem about to come true. You've finally caused your spouse to die of causes too numerous to mention. The grandchild whom you were awarded legal guardianship of, after successfully fooling the court by lies, false evidence, and cheap courtroom theatrics, ends up in the state pen...your manipulative and controlling behavior at last brings your karma home to you...your nose falls off for no known medical reason...you are left alone and helpless with only two gaping, dark and hairless nostrils through which the world can readily view your evil mind and its purpose. Alas, you just wanted to have your way…

PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
In the unwavering belief that the pen is mightier than the sword, you, like an idiot, accept a challenge to duel it out with a professional fencing instructor from L. A. Armed only with a Bic ball-point, you meet the master of épee on the killing ground with a blind dwarf as your second. Your tombstone reads:
"Here lies Pisces
Dumb as a clod
All his blood leaked out
Through the punctures in his butt"
(it don't rhyme, but neither does a duck)…
AQUARIUS

ARIES

CANCER

CAPRICORN

GEMINI

LEO

LIBRA

PISCES

SAGITTARIUS

SCORPIO

TAURUS

VIRGO
AQUARIUS

ARIES

CANCER

CAPRICORN

GEMINI

LEO

LIBRA

PISCES

SAGITTARIUS

SCORPIO

TAURUS

VIRGO
Nightflying - The Entertainment Guide was established on December 8, 1980 under the spiritual direction of PR Grunion. 
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Phone: (501) 354-8577
Email: nitefly@sbcglobal.net

ARIES
(March 21-April 19) 
Forever young at heart, blithe of spirit and unafraid to ask any question, the intellectually bent Aries begs for conversation, give-and-take, exchange of ideas...for example: "You dress up like Maid Marian; I'll dress up like Robin Hood. You act coy and I beg: 'Let me just put one arrow in your quiver…'"

TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
For you this month could be strange! Example: fairly normal Taurus, unliked by friends, suddenly has good fortune, joins amateur hockey league, gets new transportation, falls in the mud, acquires a new pet, received Mark Twain book from an acquaintance, has plastic surgery, becomes a union fruit picker, receives an award at work for being the most obvious ass kisser in the office, and gets a raise.
Schmuck lucks, pucks, buys truck, lands in muck, gets domesticated duck, reads about Huck, gets a tuck, plucks, and finally sucks...the result is big bucks. Yuk!

GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
This is a time for slowing down, cutting back, and looking ahead. The Twin only finds the cure for cancer, AIDS, and cystic fibrosis this month, while toying with inexpensive household products. The cures cost pennies and Gemini donates all the profits to a "Save The Cancer" society...slow action for the Gemini, but not bad by most standards, not bad at all…

CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Actually the Cancer is not as goofy as appearances might indicate. Note: fairly new, operating transportation, spouse w/job, well-dressed, well-fed...well off by most standards. What me worry? The Cancer…

LEO
(July 23-August 22)
Quit yer gripin' will ya! Of course I always say creepy stuff about Leos, look who I'm dealin' with...you're so damned self-absorbed that you never even notice the fact that every sign gets trashed just like you...everybody...not just you...got it? Quit whinin', okay?

VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
Gypsy Woman regrets to tell Virgo that the news for you ain't fit to print...best of luck…

LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Lemme make it short and sweet; the eleven other signs voted and, sorry, but your sign is cancelled…

SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Scorpios will discover marked improvement in social skills, earning them much-longed-for membership in the Country Club...unfortunately the Country is Iraq…

SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Starting right...NOW...all Sags have kooties...you're it...verrrbotten, taboo, jock itch...henceforth shall you be known as...Doo-Doo-Head!

CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
Mange-ridden, pigeon-toed, impotent, web-footed, cat-beshatted, wart-infested, and incapable of caring for yourself, you will throw yourself from a craggy precipice which proves too low to be fatal...a hopeless cripple, you roam the streets of your home town until at long last you are picked up by Animal Control. Unsuccessful attempts at putting you to sleep at the Humane Society Shelter leave you simple-minded and ugly to behold. Fate intervenes at the eleventh hour and well-meaning, psychopathic, yet well-paid advertising consultants mold you into a viable candidate for a coveted electoral office...just goes to shoe...scum floats to the top...

AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
Your dreams seem about to come true. You've finally caused your spouse to die of causes too numerous to mention. The grandchild whom you were awarded legal guardianship of, after successfully fooling the court by lies, false evidence, and cheap courtroom theatrics, ends up in the state pen...your manipulative and controlling behavior at last brings your karma home to you...your nose falls off for no known medical reason...you are left alone and helpless with only two gaping, dark and hairless nostrils through which the world can readily view your evil mind and its purpose. Alas, you just wanted to have your way…

PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
In the unwavering belief that the pen is mightier than the sword, you, like an idiot, accept a challenge to duel it out with a professional fencing instructor from L. A. Armed only with a Bic ball-point, you meet the master of épee on the killing ground with a blind dwarf as your second. Your tombstone reads:
"Here lies Pisces
Dumb as a clod
All his blood leaked out
Through the punctures in his butt"
(it don't rhyme, but neither does a duck)…


ARIES
(March 21-April 19)

The life you have chosen begins to become a source of deep concern to close family and friends as the price of wool continues to plummet. Though the life of a shepherd, especially in this geographic area, may give pause for thoughts regarding job security, you should steadfastly bide in the field you have chosen. If push should ever come to shove, you can always fall back on your training as a snow-cone salesman or a slimy two-bit grifter…


TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)

'Til the rivers all run dry, 'til the oceans no longer are salty, 'til the stars no longer shine, Taurus will always believe what he believes...beyond convincing, trust, logic, or pain...hence the high number of Taureans on the membership roles of the Flat Earth Society…


GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)

When man was first conceived of in the innermost portals of divine thought, Gemini sprang forth as the ideal, the model for what we now know as humankind. Mister Doright. Mister I'm OK You're OK. The Gemini is always there...if only to serve as the apex of human expectation…


CANCER
(June 21-July 22)

This year should hold many unusual opportunities for the Cancer who is willing to sit up and take notice. Your opinions and expertise are held as valuable beyond price... but, alas, only by you…


LEO
(July 23-August 22)

It's past time the Leo got a break...keep your chins up... shoot for the moon...and, at times of confusion and low self-esteem, invoke the ever-workable "I don't take no crap from nobody and if I'm wrong I'll apologize later" rule. Don't despair...I've seen things go on like this for months and then turn off reeaal bad…


VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)

There ain't nothin' that the Virgo can't or won't try . Unfortunately, their success rate is far below their willingness quotient…


LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
        
The balance, always eager to espouse his belief on right and wrong, good and bad, black and white...the Libra never can decide on sweetened or unsweetened, smoking or non-smoking, jalapeño or plain, et cetera…


SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
         
Lay low; don't invest; double your insurance; store a large quantity of food; accept no invitations; cross your fingers; beware of dogs; try nothing new; don't blow your own horn; always travel with a clean pair of socks...


SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)

This isn't gonna be a good year for rela-tionships...your mother will change her name (for numero-logical purposes) to Yolanda, Queen of Iguanas and remove you as sole beneficiary of her estate in favor of a Prussian tap dancer who is the head of a small cult of Bill "Bojangles" Robinson worshippers located outside Cleveland, Ohio. Your spouse will divorce you in order to become a fully-devoted Amway salesperson and your two teenaged children will spend $2000 of their college fund on legal expenses to have you legally declared a dweeb. Shave your head and become a Telly Savalas stand-in…


CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)

The Capricorn is often taken for granted. An early 19th century political movement which propsed that all Capricorns be deported could account for an extreme lack of self-confidence. High water weight gain is the accepted sci-entific explanation for the Capricorn's need to eat off your plate and sleep in your front yard...no improvement in sight…


AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)

A glimmer of hope is all the Aquarian needs to go on. Unfortunately, he often mistakes turn signals  and caution lights for that aforementioned, long-sought glimmer…s


PISCES
(February 19-March 20)

Ah, last but not least...the yard carp of society's lawn decorations...the Pisces, though not too smart nor too athletic, always willing to step in and help... The Pisces has many redeeming features, but the one that stands out in everyone's mind is: you can always count on the Pisces to bring Halloween candy to an Easter egg hunt…


AQUARIUS

ARIES

CANCER

CAPRICORN

GEMINI

LEO

LIBRA

PISCES

SAGITTARIUS

SCORPIO

TAURUS

VIRGO
AQUARIUS

ARIES

CANCER

CAPRICORN

GEMINI

LEO

LIBRA

PISCES

SAGITTARIUS

SCORPIO

TAURUS

VIRGO
AQUARIUS

ARIES

CANCER

CAPRICORN

GEMINI

LEO

LIBRA

PISCES

SAGITTARIUS

SCORPIO

TAURUS

VIRGO