ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
This is not going to be a good century for the Aries...for you, the Roaring Twenties never roared...the
prosperous 50s left you destitute...the free-love '60s cost you everything in two nasty divorces...and
during the "I-me-mine" '80s, you were stricken with amnesia and didn't know who you were. Take my advice and spend the rest of your life in a deep hole somewhere. Your undying tenacity and ever-
optimistic Pollyanaesque attitude make you fair game for every cheap crook and con-man that comes
down the pike. Don't look for the next year to bring much improvement....
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
I see financial gain for you this month, but be cautious in all business matters - never lend money to
relatives and pinch every penny 'til it screams. Grip that dollar 'til the eagle squawks and, with this thrifty
attitude and the $14 you find in an old lady's pocket-book which you decide to keep rather than return
with the ID inside, you should be able to avoid starvation through month's end. Look on the bright
side...you don't have to go on a diet! As they say in China, keep your chins up…
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
You decide to give away all your earthly possessions and retreat to the desert to find inner peace.
While digging for water, you strike the largest oil reserve on the continent and become rich again. Ed
McMahon's sweepstakes winner card finds you upon your return to civilization and, while attempt ing to
give away all that fortune, you meet and fall in love with the world's wealthiest "Chocolate Goobers"
heiress and she falb in love with you. You honeymoon in Calcutta at a mission for the starving and
accidentally discover an inexpensive source of protein (which not only will save millions but also will make
you millions) made of water, air, and discarded Indian headrags. You also never grow old and get better
lookin' every day. Ain't it great to be alive and be a Gemini…
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Lice and ear mites are your only living contacts with the animated world. Friends and family shun you
as they always have. Passing strangers shout filthy names at you and you are frequently pelted with
decaying fruit and vegetables. The blind, halt, and lame gain cheer and self-esteem when you draw near
and Sister Theresa herself looks at you and murmurs "loser!" You're at finding love or any semblance of
happiness sink even lower when at long last you cough deeply and your feet fall off at the ankles. You
shall remain truly gross until you pass away and, as your decaying remains return to dust and become
one with Mother Earth, even your rotting carcass' fertilizer, your sole contribution to this planet, shall
sustain only the lowly tumbleweed. Thusly shall your loathsome essence pass from the recollections of all
human kind...nothing from nothing leaves nothing...so be it…
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
The misconception of all Leos that their name denotes the posithe leonine characteristics such as
pride, power, stealth and cunning is often touted to all who will listen, when in fact, the Leo of humankind
is, more often than not, infested with feas and intestinal parasites. Gluttony, laziness, and indifferencc are
among the real character traits that the Leo most often displays. Also most men named Leo become
highway hubcap scavengers and most women named Leona become malodorous bag ladies by the age of
18. Sadly, in both cases out of preference rather than circumstance…
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
The Virgo invariably sees himsclf (herself) as God's
gift to the opposite sex. Their incessant banter, invariably
about themselves, sends all members of both genders scurrying to any place away from the Virgo. When
asked to identify his or her most positive quality, the Virgo always will stutter and spit and mumble and
look confused. For the self-involved Virgo this question alone leaves him/her speechless for once in
his/her life, for alas, the Virgo can never pick just one…
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Each Libra has, written insiae the lower rp m some enigmatic genetic code, the statement "It's just
not fair." The Libra begrudges the fry-cook with eleven kids the paltry million he wins in the New York
state lottery. He whines at the good fortune of the poverty-stricken elderly couple who buy a Rembrandt
at a yard sale for $2. All things fortunate for any but him cause him to push out that bottom lip for the
world to see "It's just not fair…"
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Others always say 'don't bug me,' or 'get your tan out of here," even "take your sting and poison a
rattler." The Scorpio's persondity, more than any other sign of the Zodiac, is represented by its symbol, a
poisonous little bug that sticks it's tail in places where it seldom belongs. The scorpion is most often
crushed after it delivers its little dose of venom. When associating with Scorpios, wear boots and bring
Black Flag…
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Accept no imposter - or substitute. The real, sho-nuff Sagittarian is armed with a disarming smile,
wields an unwieldy phrase, and takes a pea-shooter to a sword fight. The Sag is likely to show up at a
funeral in a wedding dress or don scuba gear while snow skiing. The only thing the Sagittarian can be
counted on for is to be constantly confused. Every body loves Sagittarians though...sometimes they take
out ads in the paper as hired dates for anyone going to a doofus party…
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
The Cappy oftcn is found busy at the task of bathing the cat or mowing the pavement. The female
Capricorn often is blessed with a luxuriant growth of coarse, carrot-colored lip hair. The male Capricorn
believes that he really looks great in a peach-colored camisole and fishnet stockings. (In fact, he often
does look quite stunning...) Count on the Capricorn to remember your birthday with a card, voluntecr to
help you paint or move, and above all, count on the Capricorn to point out to others how much weight
you've gained and how poorly you are aging…
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
The Aquarius (principal of water signs) cries at weddings, funerals, christenings, bar mitzvahs, bat
mitzvahs, haircuts, ribbon cuttings, service station grand openings, flea markets, chili cookoffs, worm
wrestles, while watching Mr. Ed re-runs, after a heavy meal, during televised VegeMatic sales pitches,
election returns announcements, manicures, spelling bees, and hog butcherings. Aquarians' extraordinary
ability to cry at the drop of a hat should make them a shoo-in for movie roles requiring a 40" wide
dripping eye cryer, if some over paid starlet demands a stand-in for all stunts. But the poor Aquarius
would never think of cheapening his/her sensitive, human-emotion-laden spigot-gift by hiring out as a
highly paid employee of any endeavorer who would deign to falsely portray the "gift of tears" in some
shoddy, pseudo-realistic cinematic farce. So the Aquarian, true to him/herself, drips on, but with courage
and principle. If you are an Aquarian, be sure to drink plenty of liquids…
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
Last but not least comes Pisces, all brave, lip-quivering smiles and long-suffering nose-wipes and
overdone, too loud intakes of breath. "1'11 be all right, don't worry about me. I'll get by…" are the
simpering-yet-unspoken vibes and body language of the pathetic-yet-unpitiable Pisces. Each of life's
disappointments remains unresolved and stacked neatly, one atop the other, in the unforgetting
warehouse of imagined slights and injustices that dictate the unswervingly simpering responses of the
nearly-impossible-to-stomach Pisces. On the occasion of your below-average, everyday, garden-variety
social snub or disregarded opportunity for acrolabs, the Pisces may merely deliver the patented holier-
than-thou "chin jut," looking for all the world like a Dudley Doright impersonator with an underbite like a
cocker spaniel's…
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
This is not going to be a good century for the Aries...for you, the Roaring Twenties never roared...the
prosperous 50s left you destitute...the free-love '60s cost you everything in two nasty divorces...and
during the "I-me-mine" '80s, you were stricken with amnesia and didn't know who you were. Take my advice and spend the rest of your life in a deep hole somewhere. Your undying tenacity and ever-
optimistic Pollyanaesque attitude make you fair game for every cheap crook and con-man that comes
down the pike. Don't look for the next year to bring much improvement....
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
I see financial gain for you this month, but be cautious in all business matters - never lend money to
relatives and pinch every penny 'til it screams. Grip that dollar 'til the eagle squawks and, with this thrifty
attitude and the $14 you find in an old lady's pocket-book which you decide to keep rather than return
with the ID inside, you should be able to avoid starvation through month's end. Look on the bright
side...you don't have to go on a diet! As they say in China, keep your chins up…
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
You decide to give away all your earthly possessions and retreat to the desert to find inner peace.
While digging for water, you strike the largest oil reserve on the continent and become rich again. Ed
McMahon's sweepstakes winner card finds you upon your return to civilization and, while attempt ing to
give away all that fortune, you meet and fall in love with the world's wealthiest "Chocolate Goobers"
heiress and she falb in love with you. You honeymoon in Calcutta at a mission for the starving and
accidentally discover an inexpensive source of protein (which not only will save millions but also will make
you millions) made of water, air, and discarded Indian headrags. You also never grow old and get better
lookin' every day. Ain't it great to be alive and be a Gemini…
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Lice and ear mites are your only living contacts with the animated world. Friends and family shun you
as they always have. Passing strangers shout filthy names at you and you are frequently pelted with
decaying fruit and vegetables. The blind, halt, and lame gain cheer and self-esteem when you draw near
and Sister Theresa herself looks at you and murmurs "loser!" You're at finding love or any semblance of
happiness sink even lower when at long last you cough deeply and your feet fall off at the ankles. You
shall remain truly gross until you pass away and, as your decaying remains return to dust and become
one with Mother Earth, even your rotting carcass' fertilizer, your sole contribution to this planet, shall
sustain only the lowly tumbleweed. Thusly shall your loathsome essence pass from the recollections of all
human kind...nothing from nothing leaves nothing...so be it…
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
The misconception of all Leos that their name denotes the posithe leonine characteristics such as
pride, power, stealth and cunning is often touted to all who will listen, when in fact, the Leo of humankind
is, more often than not, infested with feas and intestinal parasites. Gluttony, laziness, and indifferencc are
among the real character traits that the Leo most often displays. Also most men named Leo become
highway hubcap scavengers and most women named Leona become malodorous bag ladies by the age of
18. Sadly, in both cases out of preference rather than circumstance…
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
The Virgo invariably sees himsclf (herself) as God's
gift to the opposite sex. Their incessant banter, invariably
about themselves, sends all members of both genders scurrying to any place away from the Virgo. When
asked to identify his or her most positive quality, the Virgo always will stutter and spit and mumble and
look confused. For the self-involved Virgo this question alone leaves him/her speechless for once in
his/her life, for alas, the Virgo can never pick just one…
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Each Libra has, written insiae the lower rp m some enigmatic genetic code, the statement "It's just
not fair." The Libra begrudges the fry-cook with eleven kids the paltry million he wins in the New York
state lottery. He whines at the good fortune of the poverty-stricken elderly couple who buy a Rembrandt
at a yard sale for $2. All things fortunate for any but him cause him to push out that bottom lip for the
world to see "It's just not fair…"
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Others always say 'don't bug me,' or 'get your tan out of here," even "take your sting and poison a
rattler." The Scorpio's persondity, more than any other sign of the Zodiac, is represented by its symbol, a
poisonous little bug that sticks it's tail in places where it seldom belongs. The scorpion is most often
crushed after it delivers its little dose of venom. When associating with Scorpios, wear boots and bring
Black Flag…
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Accept no imposter - or substitute. The real, sho-nuff Sagittarian is armed with a disarming smile,
wields an unwieldy phrase, and takes a pea-shooter to a sword fight. The Sag is likely to show up at a
funeral in a wedding dress or don scuba gear while snow skiing. The only thing the Sagittarian can be
counted on for is to be constantly confused. Every body loves Sagittarians though...sometimes they take
out ads in the paper as hired dates for anyone going to a doofus party…
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
The Cappy oftcn is found busy at the task of bathing the cat or mowing the pavement. The female
Capricorn often is blessed with a luxuriant growth of coarse, carrot-colored lip hair. The male Capricorn
believes that he really looks great in a peach-colored camisole and fishnet stockings. (In fact, he often
does look quite stunning...) Count on the Capricorn to remember your birthday with a card, voluntecr to
help you paint or move, and above all, count on the Capricorn to point out to others how much weight
you've gained and how poorly you are aging…
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
The Aquarius (principal of water signs) cries at weddings, funerals, christenings, bar mitzvahs, bat
mitzvahs, haircuts, ribbon cuttings, service station grand openings, flea markets, chili cookoffs, worm
wrestles, while watching Mr. Ed re-runs, after a heavy meal, during televised VegeMatic sales pitches,
election returns announcements, manicures, spelling bees, and hog butcherings. Aquarians' extraordinary
ability to cry at the drop of a hat should make them a shoo-in for movie roles requiring a 40" wide
dripping eye cryer, if some over paid starlet demands a stand-in for all stunts. But the poor Aquarius
would never think of cheapening his/her sensitive, human-emotion-laden spigot-gift by hiring out as a
highly paid employee of any endeavorer who would deign to falsely portray the "gift of tears" in some
shoddy, pseudo-realistic cinematic farce. So the Aquarian, true to him/herself, drips on, but with courage
and principle. If you are an Aquarian, be sure to drink plenty of liquids…
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
Last but not least comes Pisces, all brave, lip-quivering smiles and long-suffering nose-wipes and
overdone, too loud intakes of breath. "1'11 be all right, don't worry about me. I'll get by…" are the
simpering-yet-unspoken vibes and body language of the pathetic-yet-unpitiable Pisces. Each of life's
disappointments remains unresolved and stacked neatly, one atop the other, in the unforgetting
warehouse of imagined slights and injustices that dictate the unswervingly simpering responses of the
nearly-impossible-to-stomach Pisces. On the occasion of your below-average, everyday, garden-variety
social snub or disregarded opportunity for acrolabs, the Pisces may merely deliver the patented holier-
than-thou "chin jut," looking for all the world like a Dudley Doright impersonator with an underbite like a
cocker spaniel's…
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
This is not going to be a good century for the Aries...for you, the Roaring Twenties never roared...the
prosperous 50s left you destitute...the free-love '60s cost you everything in two nasty divorces...and
during the "I-me-mine" '80s, you were stricken with amnesia and didn't know who you were. Take my advice and spend the rest of your life in a deep hole somewhere. Your undying tenacity and ever-
optimistic Pollyanaesque attitude make you fair game for every cheap crook and con-man that comes
down the pike. Don't look for the next year to bring much improvement....
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
I see financial gain for you this month, but be cautious in all business matters - never lend money to
relatives and pinch every penny 'til it screams. Grip that dollar 'til the eagle squawks and, with this thrifty
attitude and the $14 you find in an old lady's pocket-book which you decide to keep rather than return
with the ID inside, you should be able to avoid starvation through month's end. Look on the bright
side...you don't have to go on a diet! As they say in China, keep your chins up…
GEMINI
(May 21-June 20)
You decide to give away all your earthly possessions and retreat to the desert to find inner peace.
While digging for water, you strike the largest oil reserve on the continent and become rich again. Ed
McMahon's sweepstakes winner card finds you upon your return to civilization and, while attempt ing to
give away all that fortune, you meet and fall in love with the world's wealthiest "Chocolate Goobers"
heiress and she falb in love with you. You honeymoon in Calcutta at a mission for the starving and
accidentally discover an inexpensive source of protein (which not only will save millions but also will make
you millions) made of water, air, and discarded Indian headrags. You also never grow old and get better
lookin' every day. Ain't it great to be alive and be a Gemini…
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Lice and ear mites are your only living contacts with the animated world. Friends and family shun you
as they always have. Passing strangers shout filthy names at you and you are frequently pelted with
decaying fruit and vegetables. The blind, halt, and lame gain cheer and self-esteem when you draw near
and Sister Theresa herself looks at you and murmurs "loser!" You're at finding love or any semblance of
happiness sink even lower when at long last you cough deeply and your feet fall off at the ankles. You
shall remain truly gross until you pass away and, as your decaying remains return to dust and become
one with Mother Earth, even your rotting carcass' fertilizer, your sole contribution to this planet, shall
sustain only the lowly tumbleweed. Thusly shall your loathsome essence pass from the recollections of all
human kind...nothing from nothing leaves nothing...so be it…
LEO
(July 23-August 22)
The misconception of all Leos that their name denotes the posithe leonine characteristics such as
pride, power, stealth and cunning is often touted to all who will listen, when in fact, the Leo of humankind
is, more often than not, infested with feas and intestinal parasites. Gluttony, laziness, and indifferencc are
among the real character traits that the Leo most often displays. Also most men named Leo become
highway hubcap scavengers and most women named Leona become malodorous bag ladies by the age of
18. Sadly, in both cases out of preference rather than circumstance…
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
The Virgo invariably sees himsclf (herself) as God's
gift to the opposite sex. Their incessant banter, invariably
about themselves, sends all members of both genders scurrying to any place away from the Virgo. When
asked to identify his or her most positive quality, the Virgo always will stutter and spit and mumble and
look confused. For the self-involved Virgo this question alone leaves him/her speechless for once in
his/her life, for alas, the Virgo can never pick just one…
LIBRA
(September 23-October 22)
Each Libra has, written insiae the lower rp m some enigmatic genetic code, the statement "It's just
not fair." The Libra begrudges the fry-cook with eleven kids the paltry million he wins in the New York
state lottery. He whines at the good fortune of the poverty-stricken elderly couple who buy a Rembrandt
at a yard sale for $2. All things fortunate for any but him cause him to push out that bottom lip for the
world to see "It's just not fair…"
SCORPIO
(October 23-November 21)
Others always say 'don't bug me,' or 'get your tan out of here," even "take your sting and poison a
rattler." The Scorpio's persondity, more than any other sign of the Zodiac, is represented by its symbol, a
poisonous little bug that sticks it's tail in places where it seldom belongs. The scorpion is most often
crushed after it delivers its little dose of venom. When associating with Scorpios, wear boots and bring
Black Flag…
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22-December 21)
Accept no imposter - or substitute. The real, sho-nuff Sagittarian is armed with a disarming smile,
wields an unwieldy phrase, and takes a pea-shooter to a sword fight. The Sag is likely to show up at a
funeral in a wedding dress or don scuba gear while snow skiing. The only thing the Sagittarian can be
counted on for is to be constantly confused. Every body loves Sagittarians though...sometimes they take
out ads in the paper as hired dates for anyone going to a doofus party…
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
The Cappy oftcn is found busy at the task of bathing the cat or mowing the pavement. The female
Capricorn often is blessed with a luxuriant growth of coarse, carrot-colored lip hair. The male Capricorn
believes that he really looks great in a peach-colored camisole and fishnet stockings. (In fact, he often
does look quite stunning...) Count on the Capricorn to remember your birthday with a card, voluntecr to
help you paint or move, and above all, count on the Capricorn to point out to others how much weight
you've gained and how poorly you are aging…
AQUARIUS
(January 20-February 18)
The Aquarius (principal of water signs) cries at weddings, funerals, christenings, bar mitzvahs, bat
mitzvahs, haircuts, ribbon cuttings, service station grand openings, flea markets, chili cookoffs, worm
wrestles, while watching Mr. Ed re-runs, after a heavy meal, during televised VegeMatic sales pitches,
election returns announcements, manicures, spelling bees, and hog butcherings. Aquarians' extraordinary
ability to cry at the drop of a hat should make them a shoo-in for movie roles requiring a 40" wide
dripping eye cryer, if some over paid starlet demands a stand-in for all stunts. But the poor Aquarius
would never think of cheapening his/her sensitive, human-emotion-laden spigot-gift by hiring out as a
highly paid employee of any endeavorer who would deign to falsely portray the "gift of tears" in some
shoddy, pseudo-realistic cinematic farce. So the Aquarian, true to him/herself, drips on, but with courage
and principle. If you are an Aquarian, be sure to drink plenty of liquids…
PISCES
(February 19-March 20)
Last but not least comes Pisces, all brave, lip-quivering smiles and long-suffering nose-wipes and
overdone, too loud intakes of breath. "1'11 be all right, don't worry about me. I'll get by…" are the
simpering-yet-unspoken vibes and body language of the pathetic-yet-unpitiable Pisces. Each of life's
disappointments remains unresolved and stacked neatly, one atop the other, in the unforgetting
warehouse of imagined slights and injustices that dictate the unswervingly simpering responses of the
nearly-impossible-to-stomach Pisces. On the occasion of your below-average, everyday, garden-variety
social snub or disregarded opportunity for acrolabs, the Pisces may merely deliver the patented holier-
than-thou "chin jut," looking for all the world like a Dudley Doright impersonator with an underbite like a
cocker spaniel's…
