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Lonely Heart's Ad

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN’T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
    On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
    Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
    The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”
    The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
    She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”
    Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”


     A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of "Handel's Messiah".
    He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
    The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

    What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
    Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
    The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
    The grip...

Q.:    What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A.:    The lipstick...

Q.:    What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A.:     The jewelry...

Q.:    How do you tell if a bassist is actually dead?
A.:    Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred)...

Q.:    What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
A.:    The performance causes more suffering...

Q.:     What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
A.:    It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans...

Q.:    How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A.:    Give him some sheet music...

Q.:    What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A.:    The Uzi stops after 20 rounds...

Q.:    How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A.:     None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
        "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

    A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."
    The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

    St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
    The man says, "I was a doctor."
    St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
    "I was a school teacher."
    "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
    "I was a musician."
    "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Q.:    Why do men want to marry virgins?
A.:    They can't stand criticism...

Q.:    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A.:    Breasts don't have eyes…

Q.:    Why is air a lot like sex?
A.:    It's no big deal unless you're not getting any…

Q.;    What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? 
A.:    A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q.:     What's the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo?
A.:     In the northern zoo there's a plaque with the description of the animal and where it comes from. In a southern zoo there's a plaque with the description of the animal, where it comes from, and cooking instructions...

Q.:    What is a Yankee?
A.:    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone...

Q.:    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A.:    The position of the dirt bag...

Q.:    What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A.:    Male fraud...

    What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers…

    Light travels faster than sound…This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak…

Q.:    What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
A.:    Vagitarian...

Q.:     What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A.:     Klondike...

Q.:    What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A.:    Brothel sprouts...

Q.:    Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
A.:    It comes with all of Ken's stuff...

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"

Q.:    What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
A..:    An offer you can't understand...

Q.:    What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
A.:    They're hiring...

Q.:    How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
A.:    Yell "Bingo!"

Definitions:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle...

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye...

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people...

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead...

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours...

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out...

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation...

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage...

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage...

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper...

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better...

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn...

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time...

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction...

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today...

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed...

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines...

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Lonely Heart's Ad

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN’T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
    On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
    Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
    The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”
    The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
    She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”
    Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”


     A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of "Handel's Messiah".
    He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
    The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

    What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
    Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
    The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
    The grip...

Q.:    What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A.:    The lipstick...

Q.:    What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A.:     The jewelry...

Q.:    How do you tell if a bassist is actually dead?
A.:    Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred)...

Q.:    What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
A.:    The performance causes more suffering...

Q.:     What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
A.:    It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans...

Q.:    How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A.:    Give him some sheet music...

Q.:    What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A.:    The Uzi stops after 20 rounds...

Q.:    How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A.:     None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
        "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

    A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."
    The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

    St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
    The man says, "I was a doctor."
    St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
    "I was a school teacher."
    "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
    "I was a musician."
    "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Q.:    Why do men want to marry virgins?
A.:    They can't stand criticism...

Q.:    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A.:    Breasts don't have eyes…

Q.:    Why is air a lot like sex?
A.:    It's no big deal unless you're not getting any…

Q.;    What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? 
A.:    A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q.:     What's the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo?
A.:     In the northern zoo there's a plaque with the description of the animal and where it comes from. In a southern zoo there's a plaque with the description of the animal, where it comes from, and cooking instructions...

Q.:    What is a Yankee?
A.:    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone...

Q.:    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A.:    The position of the dirt bag...

Q.:    What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A.:    Male fraud...

    What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers…

    Light travels faster than sound…This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak…

Q.:    What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
A.:    Vagitarian...

Q.:     What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A.:     Klondike...

Q.:    What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A.:    Brothel sprouts...

Q.:    Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
A.:    It comes with all of Ken's stuff...

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"

Q.:    What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
A..:    An offer you can't understand...

Q.:    What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
A.:    They're hiring...

Q.:    How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
A.:    Yell "Bingo!"

Definitions:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle...

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye...

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people...

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead...

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours...

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out...

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation...

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage...

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage...

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper...

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better...

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn...

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time...

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction...

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today...

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed...

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines...

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Lonely Heart's Ad

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN’T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
    On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
    Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
    The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”
    The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
    She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”
    Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”
    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, “Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”


     A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of "Handel's Messiah".
    He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?"
    The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"

    What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
    Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
    The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
    The grip...

Q.:    What's the difference between a soprano and a pirhana?
A.:    The lipstick...

Q.:    What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A.:     The jewelry...

Q.:    How do you tell if a bassist is actually dead?
A.:    Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred)...

Q.:    What is the difference between a world war and a high school choral performance?
A.:    The performance causes more suffering...

Q.:     What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
A.:    It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans...

Q.:    How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A.:    Give him some sheet music...

Q.:    What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A.:    The Uzi stops after 20 rounds...

Q.:    How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A.:     None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
        "Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

    A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."
    The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

    St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
    The man says, "I was a doctor."
    St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
    "I was a school teacher."
    "Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
    "I was a musician."
    "Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."

Q.:    Why do men want to marry virgins?
A.:    They can't stand criticism...

Q.:    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A.:    Breasts don't have eyes…

Q.:    Why is air a lot like sex?
A.:    It's no big deal unless you're not getting any…

Q.;    What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? 
A.:    A Northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..."A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q.:     What's the difference between a northern zoo and a southern zoo?
A.:     In the northern zoo there's a plaque with the description of the animal and where it comes from. In a southern zoo there's a plaque with the description of the animal, where it comes from, and cooking instructions...

Q.:    What is a Yankee?
A.:    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone...

Q.:    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A.:    The position of the dirt bag...

Q.:    What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A.:    Male fraud...

    What is the one thing that unites all Americans, regardless of gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background?
Deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers…

    Light travels faster than sound…This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak…

Q.:    What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
A.:    Vagitarian...

Q.:     What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A.:     Klondike...

Q.:    What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A.:    Brothel sprouts...

Q.:    Did you hear about the new "Divorce Barbie"?
A.:    It comes with all of Ken's stuff...

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!"
"Sit down and I'll deal with you later."

"Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bridge!"
"What's come over you?"

Q.:    What do you get when cross a godfather with a lawyer?
A..:    An offer you can't understand...

Q.:    What does it mean when the flag at the post office is flying at half mast?
A.:    They're hiring...

Q.:    How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
A.:    Yell "Bingo!"

Definitions:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle...

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye...

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people...

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead...

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours...

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out...

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation...

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage...

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage...

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper...

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better...

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn...

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time...

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction...

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today...

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed...

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines...

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

About us
Nightflying - The Entertainment Guide was established on December 8, 1980 under the spiritual direction of PR Grunion. 
Find us here
PO Box 82, Perry, AR 72125
Phone: (501) 354-8577
Email: nitefly@sbcglobal.net