Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, “ I sure wish I could do that!”
The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I’d pet him first...”
Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary and a menu.” When she returns with his drink, he asks “Still servin’ breakfast?” When she says yes, he replies, “Then I’ll have two eggs - runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon on end - well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee.” Indignantly the waitress says, “We don’t serve that kinda stuff in here!” Guy says, “Funny... that’s what I had in here yesterday...”
Q. Why is a conductor like a condom?
A. It’s safer with one, but more fun without…
A guy walks into a bar - and sustains a mild concussion…
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, “What do you expect for $10 - lobster?”
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone…”
Q.: What is Donald Trump’s biggest dilemma now that he’s president?
A.: Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head…
Q.: What does Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
A.: They both barely cover the asshole…
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, “You are wrong. That’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”
Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
“Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Is that shining thing up in the sky the moon or the sun?”
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here…”
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller’s president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda.
Why didn’t you order a Guinness everyone asks?
“Nah” Guinness replies. “If you guys aren’t having a beer neither will I…”
Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. “Yeah,” said Rob, “would you marry someone who didn’t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?”
“No way in hell” said the bartender.
“Well,” said Rob, “neither would my fiancé...”
Walking into the bar, O’Toole said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” O’Toole replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really,” said Charlie, “now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“I cannot tell a lie”, said Charlie, “Come out from under the bed, you little shit, and take it like a man…”
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.
“What happened to you?” asks Sean the bartender.
“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight”, says Paddy.
“That little shit, O’Conner”, says Sean, “he couldnt do that to you, he must of had something in his hand.”
“That he did”, says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”
“Well”, says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”
“That I did”, said Paddy...”Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was…but useless in a fight...”
This guy walks into a bar wearing a Lion jersey and carrying a little dog that also has a Lion jersey on with a little Lions helmet too.
The guy says to the bartender, “Can my dog and I watch the Lions game here? My TV at home broke and my dog and I want to see the game.”
The bartender replies, normally, dogs in the bar would not be allowed, but it is not terribly busy in here, so you and the dog can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there is any trouble with you or the dog, I’ll have to ask you to leave.
The guy agrees and he and his dog start watching the game.
Pretty soon the Lions kick a field goal and the little dog jumps on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, “Hey, that’s cool! What does he do for a touch down?”
The guy answers, “I don’t know, I’ve only had him for 3 years…”
“Ma’am, I’d like to order a Guiness.” “You must be Irish.”
“Oh, so ordering a Guiness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I’m Italian?” “I didn’t...”
“And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?”
“So why exactly do you think I’m Irish then?”
“Sir, this is a book store...”
A bartender asks “Where are you from?”.
Man replies “I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition”.
“Alright” says the bartender , “Where are you from, idiot?”
One drink is just right, two are too many, three are too few…
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying..."
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory…
Q: Why don't Democrats drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering…
Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not. It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves…
Take me drunk I'm home...
When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt…
Confucious says, "Man who drink beer all day, have wet dreams all night…"
Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter…
Q: Why did the pot head plant cheerios?
A: He thought they were donut seeds…
Q: What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock?
A: A liar…
Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Screw it, we got lighters…
Q: What's the difference between a stoner and a tweeker?
A: When a pothead is driving down a road he is driving about 20 mph and eating the upholstery. When a tweeker is driving down a road he is driving about 200 mph, and talking to the upholstery…
Q: How many Stoners does it take to change a light bulb
A: Who cares man, it's too bright in here anyway…
Apparently weed IS considered a gateway drug. That explains how I got to Narnia...
Two deadheads are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One says "This is a really long staircase!" The other says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low handrail thats killing me…"
Q: How many musician jokes are there?
A: Just one - all the rest are true…
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse...you can use your other hand to write..."
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup..."
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist...
Q: Why is Santa so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live...
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Q: What do you call a bookworm who gets eaten by a cannibal?
A: "Reader's Digest..."
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids...
Q: What did the J. stand for regarding J. Edgar Hoover?
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid SOB...
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends...
Patient: Doctor you wanted to see me.
Doctor: Yes it's important sit down.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: The test came and you're going to die in 24 hours.
Doctor: There is more.
Patient: What is it?
Doctor: I meant to call you yesterday..
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse: No change yet...
Murphy is a trainee nurse in his local GPs surgery. Last week the doctor said, "Murphy I'm going for a round of golf so I'm leaving you in charge, it's always quiet on Wednesdays." On his return the doctor asked Murphy how he'd got on.
MURPHY. "I had three lady patients. The first complained of headaches so I gave her Paracetamol."
MURPHY. "The second complained of stomach ache so I gave her Gaviscon."
DOCTOR. "You learn fast."
MURPHY. "The third woman burst through the door, ripped her clothes off and jumped naked onto the couch screaming, 'Help me help me, I've not seen a man in over two years."
DOCTOR. "What did you do?"
MURPHY. "I gave her some eye drops..."
So this guy walks into a doctors office. Goes up the receptionist and says "I got shingles." She says "alright sit down."
Nurse calls him back says "whats wrong?" the guys says I got shingles" Nurse says "alright the doctor will be in in a minute."
Doctor comes in, says "whats wrong?" Guy says "I got shingles" Doctor says "where?"
Guy says "on the truck, where do you want them?"
A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey we have a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Larry?"
Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life", said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."
"Well...that's not too bad.", replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"
"New York City..."
Two Russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100 bill.
So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?"
The Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.
The Texan answers, "Yes, " and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh.....I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first..."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary and Joseph. Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Now don't be talking about yourself while you're here. We'll surely be doing that after you leave...
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault..."
An American tourist asks an Irishman, "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat..."
A man walked into a bar and says, "my daughter just had the first Irish test tube baby." He says, "it was a girl and she was conceived in a bottle of Guinness."
The bartender says, "what does the baby look like?"
The man says, "she is dark, thin, and has a good head on her..."
Q:Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy...
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now..."
Murphy tells Quinn, "My wife is driving me to drink!"
Quinn replies, "You're very lucky! My wife makes me walk..."
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman...
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
Paddy says, "Yeah, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet..."
Q: How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan...
Paddy was an incurable drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed. When he replied, the desk clerk asked "Can I help you sir?" Our man said "Yes, I would like to change my name." "What is your current name?" asked the clerk. "Martin Asshole," replied the man. The clerk laughed, and said "I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?" "Tim..."