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Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Dirty business
Senoia, GA • Dennis Smith, 65, was recently charged with stealing dirt from the elderly widow of the man, Smith said had given him permission to take " small load of dirt"  only he had taken more than 180 dump-truck loads.

Slightly stoned
Los Angeles • The West Coast rock band Slightly Stoopid recently produced a vinyl record that was smoke-able using a super resinous variety of hashish‚ mastered at the a Los Angeles studio, and noted it will not be widely distributed, but that people "would really get high from the music."

Choosing poorly
Prince George County police officer James Sims recently pleaded guilty to four counts of misdemeanor visual surveillance with prurient interest after his fourth event, when he was caught taking an up-skirt photo of a woman who turned out to also be a cop.

Compelling explanations
Saginaw, Michigan • Defense lawyer Ed Czuprynski had beaten a felony DUI arrest in December, but was sentenced to probation on a lesser charge in the incident, and among his restrictions was a prohibition on drinking alcohol, but recently Czuprynski begged the judge to remove the restriction, saying that he "can't be effective as a lawyer unless he is able to have a drink now and then."

Money is no object
London • British snack food manufacturer Walkers recently advertised for a part-time professional chip taster, at a pay-scale of $10.55 an hour.

Chicago, IL • A father and his son recently argued about who would walk the dog at their home on Chicago's South Side with a gun battle, with the son being killed and the father in critical condition, each with multiple bullet wounds.

When one isn't enough
Village police in Bangladesh arrested Yasin Byapari on the complaint of his wife - after she had learned that she was not, as she was led to believe, his second spouse, but rather the 25th of his 28 total wives. 

Love African style
Lupane, Zimbabwe • A male teacher recently reported he had been kidnapped by four women, drugged and sexually assaulted, in what appears to be a return of the famous 'sperm bandits' that frequently operate in the region.

Parents today
Houston, TX • A jury recently awarded Layne Hardin $870,000 damages against former girlfriend Tobie Devall who took a jar of his sperm and inseminated herself to have a son six years ago (without his permission), but on appeal, that was reduced to a realistic damages of $1900.

It's not funny
Washington D.C. •  Desiree Fairooz, who was arrested during a congressional hearing in January after laughing out loud at the claim that now-Attorney General Jeff Sessions had a record of treating Americans equally, was recently convicted.

Space News

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Merrick, NY
• 83-year-old Donald Winkler, upset about the treatment he was getting at a Long Island hospital, recently checked himself out and stole an ambulance to go to a 7-Eleven store to "get a Slurpee."

Toys in the attic
Polk County, FL
• Tammy Strickland was recently arrested and charged with stealing 100 toys from a Toys for Tots collection box.

Drummers practice?
Maryland state troopers stopped when they caught sight of a drummer working out all alone on the side of traffic-packed Interstate 695 near Windsor Mill Road in Baltimore on May 21 (2013), at about 10:30 a.m. As the troopers later reported, the man had run out of gas and, rather than just sit around in his car, had set up his full drum kit on the shoulder and practiced while he awaited assistance.

Double your pleasure
Bangalore, India
• Doctors recently were successful in a five-hour, 20-specialist surgery normalizing an infant born with the chromosomal abnormality "polymelia" - which resulted in four legs and two penises.

What's in a name?
A rose by any other name would sound different
An officer in Harrington, Delaware, approaching an illegally parked driver at Liberty Plaza Shopping Center in March, had suspicions aroused when she gave him a name other than "Keyonna Waters" (which was the name on the employee name tag she was wearing). Properly ID'ed, she was arrested for driving with a suspended license.

Spending quality time with someone you love
Detroit, MI
• Clifford Jones, 58, was recently killed in a one-vehicle crash in January, having lost control of his car because, according to Michigan State Police, he was not wearing pants and was watching pornography on his cellphone.

Time won't wait for any man
Ocala, FL
• 75-year-old Linley Lemburg, living under the name William Robertson, was recently arrested and charged with having been AWOL from the Air Force for 45 years.

Sweat shirts kill
A 78-year-old man in Easton, Pennsylvania, died in February from injuries caused when he lit his cigarette but accidentally set afire his hooded sweatshirt.

Leave the driving to us
Kannapolis, NC
• Willie Anthony and Jamarqua Davis were arrested in February after, police said, they broke into a Rent-a-Center at 2 a.m. and stole a big-screen TV, and  after loading the set into one car, they drove off in separate vehicles, but smashed into each other in the parking lot.

Morons on parade
Fort Smith, AR
• Adriana Salas, allegedly stole a truck in Jonesboro, Arkansas, and drove it to Fort Smith, 260 miles away, but then could not resist stopping by the local sheriff's office to ask whether the truck had been reported stolen, and when authorities checked they arrested her.

An idea whose time has come
• Belgium's federal parliament decided to keep supplying free beer and wine during legislative sessions because, since drinkers would continue to drink off-premises, anyway, serving the items on-premises would at least improve attendance.

Free speech
El Paso, TX
• Texas district judge Patrick Garcia was recently charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct after a dispute outside the courthouse when Garcia, was accused of giving the middle finger, in public, to another judge.

Excrementum occurrum
Brunswick, GA
• Jesse Denton, 24, driving a stolen truck, tried to flee police on Interstate 95 but accidentally crashed head-on into another vehicle, and seconds later, was then fatally hit by another motorist as he ran across the highway to escape the crash scene.

Thinning the herd
Saanich, B.C.
• Upset that another driver had parked too close to his own car, a man grabbed a knife and stabbed a tire on the other vehicle with such force that he wound up slashing the main artery in his leg.

Melbourne, Australia
• An Australian state administrative tribunal awarded a $90,000 settlement after a cold-calling telemarketer sold a farm couple 2,000 ink cartridges by repeated calls.

Governmental protection
The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office granted Daniel Dopps a patent for "adhesive vaginal lipstick," which his Mensez Technologies claims can cause the labia minora to tighten so strongly as to retain menstrual fluid until the woman can deal with buildup in privacy.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans - Woody Allen

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

Teach your children
Lixington, KY • University of Kentucky professor Buck Ryan disclosed in December that he had been punished recently (loss of travel funds and a "prestigious" award) by his dean for singing the Beach Boys classic "California Girls" for a lesson comparing American and Chinese cultures - because of the song's "language of a sexual nature."

Janitorial success
Las Vegas, NV • The Las Vegas Sun reported in December that Nevada slot and video-machine gamblers left almost $12 million on the floor during 2012 in uncashed tickets.

Bubbly it is
Las Vegas, NV • The only U.S. vending machine for champagne is now operational in the 23rd-floor lobby of the Mandarin Oriental hotel in Las Vegas (Moet and Chandon bubbly can be purchased with $20 tokens sold at the front desk…)

Nature responds
Willmar, MN • A six-point deer head-butted the owner of a fur company November and broke into the building where thousands of recently harvested deer hides were being dried and largely wrecked the place.

School's being careful
Hamden, CT • Hamden High School was put into lockdown for an hour in December when a student was seen running in the hallway, zig-zagging from side to side, swinging an arm and leaping into the air but police quickly learned that it was just a 12th-grade boy practicing a basketball move and pretending to dunk.

Can't help myself
Madison, WI • John Kuznezow was recently charged with invasion of privacy in November after he was discovered up a tree outside a woman's second-floor bedroom window with his pants down.

Getting on your feet
Henan Province, China • Wu Jianping, complained in November that he had been denied home loans at several banks for not providing fingerprints - because he has no arms (following a childhood accident) and "signs" documents by holding a pen in his mouth, and he was not allowed to substitute "toeprints."

Morons on parade
Torrington, CT • 53-year-old Leonard Rinaldi was recently arrested following his theft of a rare-coin collection belonging to his father, valued at about $8,000, but apparently to make his theft less easily discoverable, he ran them through a Coinstar coin-cashing machine, netting a cool $60.

Choosing poorly
Port St. Lucie, FL • James Walsh was arrested in on Decembers 12 at a Wal-Mart after carting out an unpaid-for big-screen TV, but the store had a "shop with a cop" event at which St. Lucie County deputies were buying toys for kids, and he was quickly nabbed.

Iditarod, AK • In October, officials of Alaska's Iditarod reaffirmed an earlier decision to allow mushers to use mobile phones during the 2017 race, despite purists maintaining that phones "destroy the 'frontier-ness' of the event."

Ironies of life
Cleveland, OH • Due to the couny's credit being maxed out, he county executive recently complained of lack of funds for necessary renovations to its well-known sports and concert venue, the Quicken Loans Arena.

Gaston, SC • A substitute teacher at Sandhills Middle School in was recently charged with cruelty to children after she, exasperated, taped two kids to their desk chairs for misbehaving.

Father - son solutions
Parsonsfield, ME • John Bubar, 50, was arrested in in November after repeatedly lifting his son's mobile home with his front-end loader and dropping it during arguments for rent.

To protect and serve
Roseville, MI • Taylor Trupiano grudgingly paid his $128 "traffic" fine recently issued by a traffic officer who caught his car warming up unattended in his own driveway.

Parking is important
New York City • David Martinez, 25, was shot in the stomach during a brawl in New York City in December after he had inadvertently initiated the chaos when, trying to park in Manhattan's East Village just after Saturday midnight, he moved an orange traffic cone that had obviously been placed to reserve the parking space, failing to realize that the parking spot was in front of the clubhouse of Hells Angels, whose members happened to take notice.

Perfect record
Houston, TX • August, Houston defense lawyer Jerry Guerinot announced his retirement from death-penalty cases, leaving him with a perfect record for that area of his practice: He lost every single time. Twenty-one clients received the death penalty, and 10 have been executed (so far).

Government In Action
Washington, D.C. • The federal government's DEA famously refused to soften the regulation of marijuana, leaving it (with heroin) as a harsh "Schedule I" drug because, citing Food and Drug Administration findings, it has "no medical use"…However, another federal agency - Department of Health and Human Services - obtained a U.S. patent in 2003 for marijuana-derived cannabinoids, which HHS pointed out have several medical uses (as an antioxidant and for limiting neurological damage following strokes).

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Nightflying - The Entertainment Guide was established on December 8, 1980 under the spiritual direction of PR Grunion. 
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