Dear Flabby:
You may recognize my handwriting by now as I have corresponded with you on numerous occasions. Your advice on how to handle the negative publicity following my much talked about and admittedly overlong and boring speech on national television was directly responsible for my decision to seek an even higher elected position than the one I now hold.
Criticism is an everyday fact of life for a politician in a democracy and, if I do say so myself, I have become more than passingly adept at deflecting unpleasant and potentially harmful questions from the press as well as my own loyal (and not-so-loyal) constituency. Some people might say that getting a straight answer out of me is like getting peach pudding out of an aardvark.
I've been accused of misrepresentin' the truth, lyin', good ole boyin', panderin', putterin', gerrymanderin', and stayin' out too late. I have borne them one and all with a forgiving, mature, and compassionate heart...really, honest! But Flabby, my old political ass is in the proverbial crack this time and if I don't get some reeeaal good advice quick(and I mean real quick), it's bye-bye, ta-ta, and so long for yours truly.
Now, I ain't sayin' that I did and I ain't sayin' that I didn't, but here lately the old manure has been hittin' the coolin' rotor, if you know what I mean. I've got these trashy tabloid rags like you see at the grocery store checkout lane all over my often-elected, unselfish public servant butt and one of 'em even claims to have tapes to prove the slimy allegations, which I have alternately publicly denied and ignored.
Some might see it as a moral denunciation of my technically unsullied public character, but here's my question: What the hell does an unsullied character have to do with gettin' elected to high public office? P. R. P. D. Q. C. M. W. I. S. T. L. T. P. B. O. T. A. - and she is one.
P.S.: P.R.P.D.Q.C.M.W.I.S.T.L.T.P.B.O.T.A. stands for Please Respond Purty Damn Quick 'Cause My Wife Is Startin' To Leave The Phone Book Open To Attorneys.
signed,
You Know Who
Dear Flabby:
You may recognize my handwriting by now as I have corresponded with you on numerous occasions. Your advice on how to handle the negative publicity following my much talked about and admittedly overlong and boring speech on national television was directly responsible for my decision to seek an even higher elected position than the one I now hold.
Criticism is an everyday fact of life for a politician in a democracy and, if I do say so myself, I have become more than passingly adept at deflecting unpleasant and potentially harmful questions from the press as well as my own loyal (and not-so-loyal) constituency. Some people might say that getting a straight answer out of me is like getting peach pudding out of an aardvark.
I've been accused of misrepresentin' the truth, lyin', good ole boyin', panderin', putterin', gerrymanderin', and stayin' out too late. I have borne them one and all with a forgiving, mature, and compassionate heart...really, honest! But Flabby, my old political ass is in the proverbial crack this time and if I don't get some reeeaal good advice quick(and I mean real quick), it's bye-bye, ta-ta, and so long for yours truly.
Now, I ain't sayin' that I did and I ain't sayin' that I didn't, but here lately the old manure has been hittin' the coolin' rotor, if you know what I mean. I've got these trashy tabloid rags like you see at the grocery store checkout lane all over my often-elected, unselfish public servant butt and one of 'em even claims to have tapes to prove the slimy allegations, which I have alternately publicly denied and ignored.
Some might see it as a moral denunciation of my technically unsullied public character, but here's my question: What the hell does an unsullied character have to do with gettin' elected to high public office? P. R. P. D. Q. C. M. W. I. S. T. L. T. P. B. O. T. A. - and she is one.
P.S.: P.R.P.D.Q.C.M.W.I.S.T.L.T.P.B.O.T.A. stands for Please Respond Purty Damn Quick 'Cause My Wife Is Startin' To Leave The Phone Book Open To Attorneys.
signed,
You Know Who
Dear You Know,
In answer to your question "What the hell does an unsullied character have to do with gettin' elected to high public office?"
The sad truth is "very damned little" especially over the past few decades.
Here's my advice, even tho' you didn't ask for it: If you did the dirty deed, come clean and apologize all 'round... your loyal supporters will forgive and forget; your detractors ain't gonna like you even if you get confirmed for sainthood and voted into the baseball hall of fame on the same afternoon that you discover the cure for cancer.
Most people can understand how it is to be a young, powerful, virile, admired, well-dressed, oft-flattered, and sought-after public figure...they'll forgive. Don't worry; after all, you're only human and men's weaknesses of the flesh have been causing complications since the first time Adam noticed somethin' different about Eve.
The way I see it, you better spend what little time and whatever energy you have convincing your ol' lady that you've got an evil twin somewhere who can't control his appetites regarding the fairer sex...it would be a shame to find yourself noted in the history books as the only presidential candidate ever to have his wife divorce him, blacken both his eyes, and take the nomination from him - all because of a few dozen minor indiscretions...and should you fail to make any headway along this route, just claim that the accusatory ladies were cruelly misled by Say McIntosh wearing one of your cast-off suits...in any case, good luck to you in all you do and no hard feelings about the $350 you owe me from the last time I had to bail you out of a jam.
signed,
Flabby,
Personal Advisor to the Great, the Near-Great,
the Not-So-Great, the Wannabe-Great.
Dear Flabby:
You may recognize my handwriting by now as I have corresponded with you on numerous occasions. Your advice on how to handle the negative publicity following my much talked about and admittedly overlong and boring speech on national television was directly responsible for my decision to seek an even higher elected position than the one I now hold.
Criticism is an everyday fact of life for a politician in a democracy and, if I do say so myself, I have become more than passingly adept at deflecting unpleasant and potentially harmful questions from the press as well as my own loyal (and not-so-loyal) constituency. Some people might say that getting a straight answer out of me is like getting peach pudding out of an aardvark.
I've been accused of misrepresentin' the truth, lyin', good ole boyin', panderin', putterin', gerrymanderin', and stayin' out too late. I have borne them one and all with a forgiving, mature, and compassionate heart...really, honest! But Flabby, my old political ass is in the proverbial crack this time and if I don't get some reeeaal good advice quick(and I mean real quick), it's bye-bye, ta-ta, and so long for yours truly.
Now, I ain't sayin' that I did and I ain't sayin' that I didn't, but here lately the old manure has been hittin' the coolin' rotor, if you know what I mean. I've got these trashy tabloid rags like you see at the grocery store checkout lane all over my often-elected, unselfish public servant butt and one of 'em even claims to have tapes to prove the slimy allegations, which I have alternately publicly denied and ignored.
Some might see it as a moral denunciation of my technically unsullied public character, but here's my question: What the hell does an unsullied character have to do with gettin' elected to high public office? P. R. P. D. Q. C. M. W. I. S. T. L. T. P. B. O. T. A. - and she is one.
P.S.: P.R.P.D.Q.C.M.W.I.S.T.L.T.P.B.O.T.A. stands for Please Respond Purty Damn Quick 'Cause My Wife Is Startin' To Leave The Phone Book Open To Attorneys.
signed,
You Know Who
Dear You Know,
In answer to your question "What the hell does an unsullied character have to do with gettin' elected to high public office?"
The sad truth is "very damned little" especially over the past few decades.
Here's my advice, even tho' you didn't ask for it: If you did the dirty deed, come clean and apologize all 'round... your loyal supporters will forgive and forget; your detractors ain't gonna like you even if you get confirmed for sainthood and voted into the baseball hall of fame on the same afternoon that you discover the cure for cancer.
Most people can understand how it is to be a young, powerful, virile, admired, well-dressed, oft-flattered, and sought-after public figure...they'll forgive. Don't worry; after all, you're only human and men's weaknesses of the flesh have been causing complications since the first time Adam noticed somethin' different about Eve.
The way I see it, you better spend what little time and whatever energy you have convincing your ol' lady that you've got an evil twin somewhere who can't control his appetites regarding the fairer sex...it would be a shame to find yourself noted in the history books as the only presidential candidate ever to have his wife divorce him, blacken both his eyes, and take the nomination from him - all because of a few dozen minor indiscretions...and should you fail to make any headway along this route, just claim that the accusatory ladies were cruelly misled by Say McIntosh wearing one of your cast-off suits...in any case, good luck to you in all you do and no hard feelings about the $350 you owe me from the last time I had to bail you out of a jam.
signed,
Flabby,
Personal Advisor to the Great, the Near-Great,
the Not-So-Great, the Wannabe-Great.
