Jokes
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either..."
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
"Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it…"
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy...”
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip.
He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."
The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."
The bartender says, "Go ahead."
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs."
"What do mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs."
"Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate…"
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
Q.: What's the difference between a conductor and God?
A.: God doesn't think he's a conductor…
Q.: How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
A.: With a tuba glue…
Q.:What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A.: A flat minor…
Q.: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A.: Put it in a viola case…
Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Whatever…
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A: A tearjerker...
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: Addictionary...
Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty...
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dong...
Q: What does in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
A: Chewing gum..
Q: What do you call an expert fisherman?
A: A Master Baiter..
Q: Why will congress never impeach Trump?
A: Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term...
Q: What’s the difference between God and Donald Trump?
A: God doesn’t think he’s Donald Trump..
Q: Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?
A: Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades…
Q: What's the difference between Donald Trump and a sewage plant?
A: Nothing…they're both full of crap…
Q: How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books?
A: It starts on Chapter 11...
Q: Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?
A: Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer...
Q: What does Trump have besides money?
A: A barber with a sense of humor...
Jokes
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either..."
Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
"Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it…"
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy...”
A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip.
He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."
The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."
The bartender says, "Go ahead."
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs."
"What do mean," asks the bear. "I'm not on drugs."
"Yes, you are, that was the bar bitch you ate…"
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"
Q.: What's the difference between a conductor and God?
A.: God doesn't think he's a conductor…
Q.: How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
A.: With a tuba glue…
Q.:What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A.: A flat minor…
Q.: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A.: Put it in a viola case…
Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Whatever…
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A: A tearjerker...
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: Addictionary...
Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty...
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dong...
Q: What does in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
A: Chewing gum..
Q: What do you call an expert fisherman?
A: A Master Baiter..
Q: Why will congress never impeach Trump?
A: Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term...
Q: What’s the difference between God and Donald Trump?
A: God doesn’t think he’s Donald Trump..
Q: Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?
A: Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades…
Q: What's the difference between Donald Trump and a sewage plant?
A: Nothing…they're both full of crap…
Q: How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books?
A: It starts on Chapter 11...
Q: Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?
A: Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer...
Q: What does Trump have besides money?
A: A barber with a sense of humor...
Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning the thorns grow inward…
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem..."
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading…
Cop: "Have you been out drinking?" Me: "Uh yeah, I'm 28, I've been out drinking literally hundreds of times…"
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding…
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards…
What have eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game…
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk…
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people: 1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol…
I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober…
Unfortunately, but sometimes a woman can't find herself a man. She doesn't like the drunken ones, and the sober ones don't like her…
Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications…
The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on…
I feel sorry for wild animals because it's like they're always camping without beer...
Drink green beer on St Patricks Day! It counts as a vegetable…
Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women...
We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober…
On St. Patrick's Day I like to make believe I'm Irish. Just like at Christmas when I make believe I'm good…
Don't drink and drive because you might spill the drink...
I found a message in a bottle. It said "You drink too much..."
I might only be 25% Irish, but on St Patrick Days I will be 100% drunk...
He was in a pub when he proposed. It was very romantic – he got up on one knee...
For Mother's Day, I got my mom a case of Bud Lite. After all, I'm the reason she drinks…
I'm pretty sober, but I'm prettier drunk…
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer...I saw the video...we need to talk…
For me, being "clean and sober" means I'm showered and headed to the pub…
Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day…
If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine...
What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking…
Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?
I don't need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass…
I got drunk last night and my house wasn't where I left it…
It's better to have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy...
Alcohol won't mend a broken heart.But that doesn't mean I won't try it again tonight...
I drank so much I'm donating my liver to science fiction…
Heading out for drinks, bail money's on top of the fridge...
One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol…
I'm starting a new chapter of AA "Almost Alcoholics", their motto is, "Lets get sober, next week…"
Teacher: "Can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to earth?" Student: "Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king…"
God makes everyone in his own image, no? Yeah, He was drunk…
My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed so I told her I have a headache…
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it…he's gay, definitely gay…
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children…
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory...
I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn't have time...
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home...
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born...
Life is sexually transmitted…
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment…
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels…
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
I just had a near-sex experience... My wife flashed before my eyes…
Three words to ruin a man's ego...? "Is it in?"
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile, but because their condoms are 'Made in China'…
Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?
What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will have sex with anyone, a bitch will have sex with anyone but you…
I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, let me know...
Some people say sex is bad for you... Those people are virgins...
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless…
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good…
What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck...
What do tofu and dildos have in common? They're both meat substitutes…
What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention…
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it…
Love is like a machine...sometimes you need a good screw to fix it…
Q.:How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A.:He's breathing…
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less...
For my next trick I need a condom and a volunteer...
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?
Q.:Where do you get virgin wool from?
A.:Ugly sheep...
He's so ugly he has to buy flowers for his own hand…
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money…
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her…
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex…
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity…
What's the definition of trust? Two Cannibals giving each other a blowjob!
Virginity is not dignity, but lack of opportunity…
Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before…
What's the difference between when a southern person says mother fucker and when a and a northern person says mother fucker? The southern person means it.
I was sexually active at 12. It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me…
"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company…
Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
I love dangerous sex, in fact, I masturbate with no hand…
Masturbating is wrong in some people's eyes... Also, it burns…
I love oral sex...it's the phone bill I hate…
Doctor: "You need to stop masturbating." Patient: "Why?" Doctor: "Because I would like to start the exam."
